Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends