Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
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There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.