when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?