people who do mutinies should be called mutants
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Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Follow me for more life hacks.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.