*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned