I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Storm Tropical Storm
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter