Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…