Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
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The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.