In space, no one can hear…
You Might Also Like
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.