Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster