The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]