When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Unimpressed
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.