interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
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Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel