Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
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Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
meow
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere