Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
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If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
fixed it
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*