RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
You Might Also Like
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.