Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.