millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.