On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme