Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Bless you
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.