[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.