Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
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Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*