ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Did I do this right
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.