You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
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Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Yes
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.