I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
had to make it
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now