I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Who.
Did.
This?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.