I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Fight
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05