Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.