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The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.