[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
what the
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.