Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you