[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
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Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.