I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
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Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Just a phase…
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
🙁
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?