‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
😂💯
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.