[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
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Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
what it’s like dating me:
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone