[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
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Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that