Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying