I don’t know what to do
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– a cephalopodcast
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Haha! 😂
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub