Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
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My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Awwwww shit.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar