The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
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“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
why would tinder want me to say this
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
(yawn)
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.