[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do