If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
We found love in a hopeless place.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.