As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu