[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)