You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
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That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.