*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Living the best life.. 😊
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Waiting for the Charmin
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.