road rage
You Might Also Like
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”