Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
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I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
my astrological sign is a french fry
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
as is their right
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate