I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
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H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.