I’m an asshole.
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.